SturbanClothing Christmas Conundrum Cracked! As Santa Exposes the Truth

After the shock statement that Santa Claus had resigned and closed down his Santa Factories we thought it was the end for Christmas, scenes of joy and happy little children’s faces, but there has been a twist!

Last week we had a call from El Ves, head of the Elves union in “Santaland”. El Ves was very coy but wanted us to put out the Elves side of the story to what has happened. We asked him to come in for a chat, but he said he was too scared and would contact us by phone under the condition that we printed the conversation in full. So one night the phone rang and El was on the other line;

El Ves
I don’t have long so I must be quick, they are trying to keep me quiet.

TUS
Hang on El you’ve lost us already what are you on about?

EV
Kris, he’s on to me and trying to shut me up, he’ll stop at nothing.

TUS
I thought the Elves had been taken care of?

EV
If you mean sold into slavery and mass genocide, yeah we’ve been sorted.

TUS
Kris said you were being retrained by the Easter Bunny?

EV
Yeah a number of us were sold to the Easter Bunny…

TUS
Sold?

EV
Yeah sold, we are not free people, we have been persecuted for years in Fairyland and now we’ve been sold to the Easter Bunny, but to be honest Kris and the Easter Bunny are the same company.

TUS
Company Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, you’re losing me.

EV
Look Santa, Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Banksy they are all the same people and many others to.

TUS
Banksy, the Tooth Fairy?

EV
Have you ever seen any of these “people”? No you haven’t!
Take it from me - they are the same, and as for your interpretation of Fairies, do you know why it’s called Fairyland? No you don’t! It’s because they run it, forget dainty little girls with wings...we’re talking Silverbacks with PMT on PCP’s. Whilst we’re at it the whole tooth gig is a scam as well, they collect teeth to show their bosses that they are doing their job and get paid for every tooth they bring in.
They don’t mind extracting a few themselves if times are hard.

TUS
Errr ok

EV
In fact the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny have the whole tooth thing sewn up and that’s the scam.

TUS
Scam?

EV
Yeah scam, ever since they started the Jesus Christ thing way back it’s been one big scam after another, but that Jesus thing backfired. They couldn’t make any cash outta it which is where Christmas and Santa came in to it. It’s much bigger than you will ever believe, and it’s all backed by the company Commercialism Ltd, founded in the good old USA by the CIA to collect data, originally.

TUS
CIA, Commercialism Ltd, data collection you’ve lost me Ves! You've not been on that Magic Mushroom Goulash again?

EV
Yeah you mock but let me tell you, this story is big and a major newspaper is set to print my dairies! It’s all in there, days, dates, deals, the complete list of scams and money making ploys that have been run since day one. I have all the details here with me now and I’m just going to post them ………. hang on a minute there is someone at the door…… EEEECK!

KRIS
Ahhhh, there you are El, haven’t seen my bottle of VAT 15 have you? Oh, there it is!!! What have I told you about that? It’s not fair on the other elves, sneaking in here having a tipple, you know it goes to your head and you end up speaking rubbish, saying the wrong things and getting us all into trouble. Off you go back to work and if you see Banksy on the way tell him he hasn’t finished writing those gift tags!
Tut, tut……… now what’s the phone doing off the hook, HELLO, HELLO

TUS
Hello, Kris?

KRIS
Glyn? Hello me old mucker, hows things at TUS? Busy, I bet you must be snowed under?

TUS
Oh please, no more “snowed under”, jokes, you do the same one every year.

KRIS
Sorry, we do have a lot of the stuff up here you know? So, what can I do for you?

TUS
Well, to be honest El Ves phoned me, I think the games up Kris, he just confirmed what the spokesman at the Santaland press office announced last week, that it’s all over, cancelled, finito. That you’ve resigned, paid off the elves and all that stuff.

KRIS
What press office? Where would we get money for a press office in these hard times? How can I resign, I’m Santa for gawds sake!! Who is spreading these rumours and what did this so called spokesman sound like?

TUS
Well now you mention it he sounded a bit like El, you don’t think…..?

KRIS
I knew it, he is the biggest wind up merchant up here, does awful practical jokes on the others, you know once he put whisky is Rudolf’s water bowl, what a state he got in, his nose was bright red. In fact we wrote a song about it. It goes “Rudolf the red nosed…………..

TUS
Yee, yea, I’ve heard it.

KRIS
Really, iTunes I suppose? We get nothing for royalties you know?

TUS
Yes, yes, yes, but what about Christmas, does this mean you are still working, that Christmas will go ahead?

KRIS
Well of course dear boy, Christmas is Christmas, always has been and always will be. Mind you I’m not one to grumble but people think its easy running a business and it’s not. It’s hard you know, the population is booming, kids want more, manufacturing costs are rising and delivery costs are going up too, I mean, nobody does free delivery anymore, it’s expensive and …………………..

TUS
We do

KRIS
Eh, do what?

TUS
Free delivery, always have done.

KRIS
Really? Ahhhhhh, but I deliver ALL over the world!!

TUS
So do we, FREE!

KRIS
Blimey, well, what can I say? Sounds like the spirit of Christmas is alive and well and living at sturban clothing, well done you guys and a merry xmas to you all. Errr, as matter of interest, I don’t suppose you do fur trimmed red coats ………….. ?!